His Timing

My eyes brimmed with tears that threatened to overflow, I took deep breaths and willed away the tears, as I thought back over my last few weeks. Several conflicts had gone unresolved, and PMS had set me on a roller-coaster ride headed for disaster.

What’s a girl to do?

Do you ever find yourself wishing for a different reality? I will admit that I have spent time over the last couple of weeks dwelling on realities other than my own. The more I thought about it, the more anxious and depressed I got. And, if I’m not careful, dwelling on the seemingly perfect lives of others can easily send me into a deep, dark, hole. Oh, I didn’t go there. I could have. Or maybe I did and I just don’t want to admit it.

Exhaustion had me on the couch spending extended time “mindlessly watching the idiot box”, or sitting at the computer. I love connecting with friends and family through Facebook, or through blogging, but when I am feeling low and have the wrong perspective of my own life, looking at the seemingly perfect lives of others can and has thrown me for a loop. A blogger shared pictures of her beautiful new home, and I found myself desiring a bigger house. Another shared about the birthday surprise her husband went all out and did for her, and I found myself longing for the romance that existed in my marriage long ago. Perfect recipes photographed, life lived full right before my eyes and I wonder why I seem to be stuck in the mundane.

My house will never sparkle, and usually I’m cool with that. I really love mystery fiction books and detective shows on TV, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m a list-maker who still tries a bit too hard to make people happy, but I’m also sarcastic and a little selfish. I like dogs but not cats, and I will do just about anything to get out of shopping.

I’m learning to know who I am.

Yet, sometimes . . . I wish I were the kind of girl who looks cute in prairie skirts and cowboy boots. Or the kind of girl who sits with her husband and watches hockey, or golf, or baseball, or football, or… any sport.  I wish I cared enough about my house to have seasonal decorations. Or flowerbeds. Or corners without cobwebs.

If I let myself, I could wish I were any kind of girl but the kind I am.

But, that would be a shame.  For years my identity was wrapped up in what I thought other people thought about me. As I’ve walked through this life, God has continued to reveal who He wants me. I certainly don’t claim to do it perfectly! Not by a long shot. But as I’ve continued to search out who God says I am, I’m much less focused on what I’ve believed about myself or what others have said about me.

I’m learning to see beauty in my brokenness. Sometimes, I feel guilty for feeling so broken. He promises to make ALL things beautiful….in HIS time. Not mine. I can’t always see the beauty. I have to look hard, digging deep beneath everything and reaching for what I know to be true.

God knows that about me. So ~ in His relentless grace ~ He continues to repeat one message into my insecurity-prone heart:
“I didn’t ask you to be her. I asked you to be you.”

I want to be thankful for this life that God has so graciously blessed me with and embrace my own reality. I am alive. I do have a loving and committed husband who works hard to provide for us. I have three beautiful children and a son-in-law who are all hard working and independent adults. I really should be more thankful.

So the real question here is what is it that am I chasing after?

What does your reality look like today my friend? Will you offer up thanksgiving to the Lord today for all that He has given to you?

Blessings