Who am I?

Somewhere along the timeline of my life - and I cannot pinpoint the exact day it happened or why it happened - I deemed myself unworthy. I viewed myself as someone that God had to love … and someone whom most people would never want to get close enough to know, let alone love. And with that warped world view, I began my quest to be wanted.

I began changing everything about myself … starting with my dreams.

Since I thought myself insignificant, many of my interests became guilty by association. It is not uncommon for teenage girls to want to look and act like everyone else, so at first, my confused sense of self identity was normal for someone of my age. Yet, my desire to be anyone but me grew and aged with my body and morphed into perfectionism. Knowing that no one was perfect, but thinking that everyone else was superior to me, I began to take parts of others to create the “perfect me.”

My friend Andra is a champion cleaner. Her base boards shine and counter tops glisten. I’m sure even the doorknobs on her closet doors sparkle. I added this trait to my repertoire, along with my friend Maria’s impeccable sense of style, and my friend Jane’s up-beat demeanour and zeal for multitasking. I could list quite a few friends and acquaintances from whom I’ve stolen parts of their identity and weaved them into my own.

And I didn’t stop at personality traits. Oh no I added their dreams and goals to my lists as well. In fact, the sheer notion of me making a dream list to begin with was something my friend Debra did. When she mentioned her desire to re-purpose furniture, I added that to my new list. Why not? It sounds like fun, right? Actually, it does not sound like fun to me. I have no idea what I’d be getting myself into. I honest-to-goodness thought that I would enjoy taking on new craft.  I like the idea of it, but not the actual work of it.

While I think there is no harm in being influenced by Godly friends and acquiring positive traits and ideas, disregarding my talents, dreams, and desires was not only befuddling, it was sin. I was disobeying the voice of God and trying to recreate what He already made.

God didn’t create me to imitate His other creations.

He created me to serve Him with the specific qualities he gifted to me. And knowing this doesn’t make me prideful or hoity-toity, it humbles me. It’s OK that I don’t want to teach preschool, ride a mule down the Grand Canyon, or deep sea dive.

God also did not create me to be perfect this side of heaven. If assigned mass and tied to a string, my character flaws, quirky habits, and sins would circle the planet at least once. But God did create me for a purpose, and I will never discover or live up to that purpose if keep exchanging my character traits for those of another. It’s simply unacceptable for me to hide who I am and yearn to be who I am not.

I still struggle with who I am, but each day I try to take every ounce of my flesh, every molecule of my soul, every pound of baggage, and each and every one of my dreams and I am lay them down - without shame - at the throne of the Holy of Holies. For with His masterful hands, He will use all I am and all I can become for His glory. And that dear friends is my dream.

I’m so many other labels, to so many. I’m my mother’s daughter-friend, my Dad’s princess, my brother and sister’s keeper of childhood memories, my kids advice columnist, the hubby’s sounding board and best friend, I’m a friend, a crazy person, a Christian, all of these descriptors and words and labels and identities, a few of them spell out the who’s who of the real Anita. Some think I’m brave, some think I’m weak. Some think I’m arrogant, some think I’m self-deprecating. Some think I’m wise, others that I’m naive.

Identity is a tricky thing. It’s so easy to think I am what I do. I am what I contribute. I am what I gain or make or score or achieve or accomplish.

So, I’m letting those things go, I am a lot of things to a lot of people. But my identity, my self, my worth, only comes from the one who made me and named Beloved. And that is enough.

Blessings