When I first read it, it made total sense, so much so, I told my family and close friends to read it, I wanted them to better understand me. That may have been a mistake. You see, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Spoon Theory just doesn’t fit my life.
For one reason ~ I have no clue how many spoons I will have on any given day. For me there is no set amount to wake up with. I cannot bank on having six or twelve or even one spoon. The theory states that going over your energy reserves on Monday, will take away from Tuesday. And that is certainly true. But I can have a completely restful day, and still have nothing in the tank for the next day. Until I open my eyes and take that first wakeful breath, I have no idea what kind of day it will be.
Often I wake in a morning and think ‘Yes! Today is a good day!’. Then, within hours, or even minutes, the tides have turned. I have used up my stash of spoons and it's not even noon. I can go from having enough energy to less than zero quicker than the blink of an eye. Sometimes it’s due to a weather change, sometimes it’s stress. Often I have no clue whatsoever what’s happened.
On top of this. The amount of energy activities take changes on a day to day basis. I cannot plan my day around how much energy things will take from me. Because I do not know. Yes ideally, 1 spoon equals getting out of bed on Monday. But on Wednesday it could use up 3 simply because, I had yet another sleepless night and my joints may feel stiff and rusty. Everything could take ten times more energy. I cannot count on using the same number of spoons to do tomorrow what I managed to do today.
Finally there’s another complicating factor. Pain. Let me tell you now, you can have all the energy in the world, but if you feel like someone just drove over you with a truck, you’re not going anywhere! Pain entwines through my entire body on a daily basis. I never know how tightly it will grip. On a good day I can hide it. On a bad day it consumes me.
So yes. The Spoon Theory is fantastic!
It’s an excellent way of describing life with a chronic condition. But unfortunately it gave people the wrong idea. They thought if I rested I could then plan activities. If I worked my day so I didn’t do more than one thing, then I could do that one thing. They had the impression that I had some sort of control. I do not. I try. I try not to let my health rule me. But at best, I’m flying by the seat of my pants on this ever changing roller coaster of pain and fatigue. Either way, it’s a whole lot more complicated than simply rationing my Spoons.
Though I’ve come to realize it doesn’t fit me, it’s still worth a read!
Take Care
1 comments:
The friend I walk with, I think, has very much the same feelings. I know I cannot begin to realize/understand this kind of daily pain, but I have seen that God is still there to give strength to the weary one day at a time.
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