Publish

Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming to this empty space and pouring out my heart with my imperfect words. I wonder because the process can be so painful. The writing at times is hard, but what happens after I press “publish”  can be mentally exhausting. The after moments that come as a result of pressing that button are too often the same.

First, there is a pleasant burst of confidence that this is the one post I finally got right. My words seemed to flow and the message is clear.

Then, my unbelieving heart moves to questioning every word written.

It's in those after moments where I find myself saying, I will never be good enough at this writing thing ~ everyone else does it so much better. Comparison has successfully stolen any sense of joy.

It's in those after moments where I wonder why I ever started. After all, this wasn’t a life-long dream of mine.

It's in those after moments where I once again say it's time to call it quits! .. . ...

But then, someone comes along after I've pressed “publish”  and leaves some words of encouragement and lifts my spirits. I almost allow my worth to be found in their one little comment. Time ticks away and a few more comments are left, and each one gives glory to our amazing God. I'm reminded that my worth isn't found in their comments, but in Him.

It certainly isn't easy being vulnerable. For many of us, being vulnerable is the complete opposite of how we were raised. Stuff your emotions and move on was more of the norm.

While these after moments can be painful, I'm always led to the moment of remembering I write because every time I find him. I write with the hopes that after I press “publish”  that maybe, just maybe I will help someone else find Him.

Blessings

a different kind of anniversay

i had the perfect job - i wrote quite a bit about here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and.. . .. . told you it was quite a bit.

i LOVED working for my former church. i loved being “on the inside,” on the team, working side by side with the most amazing people i’ve met doing work that, at the end of the day, helped people find their way back to God.

i can’t say it enough: I LOVED WORKING FOR THE CHURCH.

almost a year ago {tomorrow}, i packed up my desk and left for the last time as an employee. as i headed out the door for the final time. i tried to play it cool, i simply said, “bye!” thinking to myself “wow, this is it!” and, to no surprise, i promptly burst into tears.

wayne and i had also made the difficult choice to leave our church home of 26 years. we’d been hurt badly and we’d been disappointed deeply. we landed at our new church sceptical and barely willing to hope.

almost immediately, we realized that we had found our place. Emmanuel Baptist Church is the kind of church we’d dreamed of and longed for, and we genuinely liked every new person we met there. week after week of worship services and small group meetings led to messages and relationships that healed us in ways we hadn’t dared think possible.

the choice to leave was not easy, it was one we took a year to decide. even though we felt we knew what some of the repercussions would be; we were still shocked when some people that used to wave to us, now don't, and some who would say hi in the grocery store and now won't; it seems that since we don’t attend the same church we can no longer be friends. yikes! with friends like that, who needs enemies. .. .. .. it’s beyond hurtful ~ and yet, we wouldn’t change our decision for anything. we knew it was the right choice even though it was hard.

sometimes the right choice doesn’t feel good. have you ever had that happen? have you ever made the right choice even though it was hard or didn’t feel good?

blessings

You are

Those all too familiar words, I'm not good enough, kept playing over and over again in my mind. My heart knows this is not true, but it was a day where I felt the weight of those words.

You see, I've always wanted to be perfect at something. ... .. anything. I just want one thing. Give me that one thing Lord and I will use it to glorify you.

Here I am. It's Thursday, and as I sit here I can't help but find myself asking again is here really where you want me, God?

I keep waiting for his response.

Every time I find myself questioning if here is where He has called me to be, I'm reminded of these words said by Paul, from Colossians 3:23 {New Living Translation {NLT}} “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people”.

As I anxiously await my next season of life; I feel frozen in indecision in wanting to know certainty before stepping out. I want my decisions to always be perfect and right. Frozen in wanting perfection and control. But, {and here’s the thing} I don’t have to be in control, I can give my fears over to the Lord He will guide my path, He doesn’t care if I end up making the “wrong” choice. As long as I am resting in Him, no decision will be wrong.

So, I’m not going to wait for everything to be perfect. I’m not going to wait for me to be perfect, to look a certain way, to have a certain education, to own a certain item, to be a certain age, weight, status.. .. . …

Now is the time, the time to live, the time to be, the time to experience, all that God has planned for me ~ all that I am meant to be, here.

Blessings

Joy in the everyday

“You're never happy.” Those are the words said to me by my husband. And I will be honest, the words hurt. However, those words probably hurt because I knew there was truth to them. While the word “never” is a bit extreme, when I'm honest with how I've responded in recent situations, I can appreciate why my husband would make such a statement.

But those words have pierced my heart. Maybe God needed me to hear those words. Not in an attempt to be hurtful {that is not God}, but to draw me closer to Him..

As another week begins, I need to be reminded that the other people in the grocery store who seem to have their act together that they, too, have their own insecurities. When my washing machine goes on the fritz, or the painted floor has gotten scratched, again, remember that new and shiny doesn’t equal happy.

It’s tempting to wish my house was little bit newer, or a little bigger, or maybe in town, but I need to remember that our home, no matter that it’s a century farmhouse in the country, is a gift. All things in our lives are gifts.

And yet, sometime life doesn’t go the way we want ~ the corn-stove has broken down again, my health issues can make our lives difficult, the bathroom is sitting in mid-reno’s for almost a year ~ that it’s okay to cry. And be frustrated. And not understand.

But let’s remember, too, that there is always, ALWAYS something to be grateful for.

So, let's take a piece of paper and a pen, and scribble down one thing for which you’re grateful. And then two. And then maybe three. Display it somewhere obvious today. And be reminded.

In Romans 15:13 {NLT {New Living Transaltion}} Paul says “I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Find your joy in the everyday!

Blessings

Spring Cleaning

I just don’t understand.  I wait and I wait. I leave food out. I even ask nicely. And still, the cleaning fairies don’t come to my house.

They don’t visit. They don’t call. And they certainly don’t wash the sink full of dishes or even fold my laundry.

It doesn’t make sense. I’ve seen those commercials ~ the ones with the bubbles?

The bubbles that talk AND CLEAN YOUR BATHTUB WHILE YOU’RE GONE? It turns out those animated bubbles aren’t real. Yeah. I know. The shock, it is unbearable.

I’ve tried some fancy cleaning products. You know what happens when I spray my bathtub and walk away? White streaks appear in my otherwise Not White tub. Granted, the bathroom briefly smells lovely, but my porcelain {and plastic} is certainly not sparkling.

So, in case you’re just now joining us, my house is being visited by neither cleaning fairies nor magical cartoon bubbles. And since that leaves the cleaning business to me, my house is kind of um, well. .. ...  . filthy.

Not messy. At least, not always. I can usually keep the clutter at least tamed, if not permanently eliminated. But actual cleaning? The kind that requires spray bottles, sponges, rags and brooms? Yeahhhh, I hate it. And so I haven’t been doing it.

Last fall, I thought I had a solution. I decided to go back to work, hoping to encourage the hubs to step up to the plate and start helping a little more around the house with the household chores.

Needless to say he would try and while he kept most of the dust bunnies at bay ~ they continued to multiply and ultimately ended up creating more work for me.

Unfortunately, men, or maybe it’s only my husband doesn’t seem to have the same sense of what ‘clean is’ that I do ~ he just didn’t clean my house the way I wanted. Which is ironic ~ considering I’M not cleaning my house the way I want, either.

So, now I’m back to cleaning my own house {er, not cleaning it.. . .. }.

Blessings

Changes

I can change things about me
about how I interact
about how I process
about how I re-act

 

But if I am going to make any changes
I have to do it for me
because I want to

not for you

not because
you think I should

not because
you think
life would be
easier, better, happier
for me
{or maybe just you}

That’s your opinion
and unless I agree
and decide to make changes FOR me…

 

neither one of us will like me very much.

 

Blessings

Have you considered?

This was being shared a while ago and I thought it was something we all should consider.

What God will and won't ask:
God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, but he will ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.
God won’t ask the square footage of your house, but he will ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
God won’t ask about the fancy clothes you had in your closet, but he will ask how many of those clothes helped the needy.
God won’t ask about your social status, but he will ask what kind of class you displayed.
God won’t ask how many material possessions you had, but he will ask if they dictated your life.
God won’t ask what your highest salary was, but he will ask if you compromised your character to obtain that salary.
God won’t ask how much overtime you worked, but he will ask if you worked overtime for your family and loved ones.
God won’t ask how many promotions you received, but he will ask how you promoted others.
God won’t ask what your job title was, but he will ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.
God won’t ask what you did to help yourself, but he will ask what you did to help others.
God won’t ask how many friends you had, but he will ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.
God won’t ask what you did to protect your rights, but he will ask what you did to protect the rights of others.
God won’t ask in what neighbourhood you lived, but he will ask how you treated your neighbour.
God won’t ask about the color of your skin, but he will ask about the content of your character.
God won’t ask how many times your deeds matched your words, but he will ask how many times they didn’t.
by Anonymous

Blessings

Guilt vs. Grace

I open my eyes to a new day and a long list of to-do’s. Before I’m even out of bed, I notice a cobweb in the corner. Guilt creeps under the covers with me. I think of other women with cobweb-free corners {in their homes and hearts}. I vow that today I’ll try harder.. .. .. …
 
Another day I wake up and take a deep breath of grace. I’m loved and known and whatever happens today I will be okay. I slip into the kitchen with a smile for my first cup of tea. I sit at the table with my to-do list and ask God for His perspective on it. It seems like I can feel Him with me as I check off the first item. .. . …

If you’re like me, that feeling of guilt is one of my biggest struggles. I go into it without even realizing it until the end of the day when I’m exhausted. I’m asking God to teach me to live differently. To trade guilt for grace. But, how does that happen? 
Getting from Guilt to Grace . .. … .
First, pause and identify how you feel.
If it’s those guilty feelings, then listen for the lie. What are you telling yourself that isn’t true? For example, “I’m not doing enough.”
Then replace that lie with grace-filled truth. For example, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. But He never asks me to do it all!”
Ask for help. Whisper a prayer saying, “Jesus, I’m really struggling with those guilty feelings, and I want to stop and be comforted in Your grace.  Please forgive me and help me receive what I need to from You right now.”

Then do it again tomorrow, and again the next day if needed. I don’t have this down. It’s still a daily choice, and thankfully there is no limit on grace!

How about you ~ can you relate? What helps you live in grace instead of guilt?

Blessings

Unique & Complex

Why do I
sometimes feel
shame
or
embarrassment

 

for the things
that make me
unique?

 

for the things
that make me
complex?

God loves
those things
about me

 

even when they aren’t pretty

 

Blessings

Sir Blogs a-lot!

When I started this blog back in March 2007  I had no idea where I was going with it, I had no idea there was a whole ‘blogging community’ and even when I realized that, I never imagined that I would feel like I was part of it. 

And today, this is my 850^th post. .. . . ..{eeeekk!}.

This means that over six years and two weeks ago, I DIDN’T HAVE A BLOG. I wasn’t A BLOGGER. I didn’t have BLOGGING FRIENDS. My life as I know it today? well, IT DIDN’T EXIST.

That’s hard to believe. I tend to flit around from one topic to another. But something about blogging has stuck with me. I think it’s important to write out our thoughts, opinions and ideas. There’s something about writing it all out that’s has a soul cleansing honest to goodness realization of who I am. When we take the time to record memories, journal our prayers, and write down our thoughts, we truly give ourselves a gift to be opened over and over again. We can recall times of laughter, be encouraged by God’s faithfulness in difficult situations and feel a sense of comfort by expressing and managing the emotions we’ve been given. It can feel good to re-visit the joys and even the struggles in our lives, because God is working in us and building our trust through every circumstance.

Some say blogging is changing and that it won’t last much longer. Perhaps that’s true. But while it’s still here, I’ll be here.  Seriously, starting a blog is one of the best things I’ve ever done and a decision that has changed my life in so many brilliant, blessed ways. I’m incredibly grateful for every experience and ~ more importantly ~ every relationship that has happened as a result of this little blog.

I'm fairly sure if I hadn't found the other bloggers I wouldn't still be here typing away into cyberspace. I enjoy the sense of community and I really enjoy reading other blogs too. I have been asked ‘why’ I blog and it's not an easy question to answer ~ other than because I enjoy it!

It may sound a bit extreme but it's even changed the way I think, many times a day something pops into my head and I think ‘ooh that would make a great blog post’. Or, {as sad as it is to say}, I even evaluate each photo that I plan to take on whether or not I can use it in a blog post.

My blog has become one of my favourite reads.. . .. ... and perhaps one of my greatest teachers.

Thank you to everyone who reads, comments and passes by this way ~ I appreciate each and every one of you!

Blessings

and i'm spent

which according to urban dictionary means: having shared your time or money on a situation, may be used to express one's frustration in a negative manner or as positive to reflect satisfaction.

that definition is an accurate description of how i feel from last week. after finishing up a 50+ hour work week ~ i’ve come to realize that i am seriously not cut out to work full-time. not only have i been cranky, and have suffered from headaches all week, i am beyond exhausted and almost ill from working so much - needless to say i am quite glad for that to be done. you can read the back-story here.. .. ..

i wonder then.. .. .. . do you ever feel that having reached the end of your busy week, you also might wonder what the point of it all is? perhaps you’re juggling with studies and work, or work and family, or multiple projects and goals. maybe you have a nagging sense that there’s something wrong or that your priorities are a bit skewed ~ and you keep promising yourself that you’ll be less busy next week/month/year. but, here’s the problem, you always seem to be busy.

sadly, for some people, this is the norm.

the lyrics from the song, “i’m in a hurry” by alabama really helps to put things into a clearer perspective:
I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why

and so, for those who work full-time, i have a couple of questions; one ~ how do you do it? and two ~ perhaps the better question to ask is WHY?

and yet, the question we should not be asking each other is do you work? but should be are you employed? just because i am not employed does not mean that i do not work.

i find it a bit hard to understand women who work full-time when it’s not out of necessity. i also get really steamed when society has deemed me unworthy because i do not {well after today, i won‘t} work out of the home. i’ll even find myself getting defensive when i explain that i do not work outside the home, or i’ll joke around and say that i am a ‘kept-woman’.

i am worthy. just as i am. i don’t have to do anything spectacular, or be anything fabulous or say anything profound or fix anything to have worth. parts of my life are not perfect and yes i have made mistakes and done things “wrong”. i have value just as i am. no changes needed, no bad feelings warranted and i will need to accept me if i want anyone and everyone to do the same.

blessings

No matter what

It all starts with the vows: we stand up at our weddings and recite those vows fully expecting that we will happily stand by each other, no matter what. We have big dreams about the life we’re starting with this person we love so much. Every marriage starts with big hopes and dreams. You walk down that aisle celebrating all the beautiful ways you connect as a couple, all those little moments of excitement and joy and intimacy and fun and love and goodness that have been the building blocks of your relationship. And for a while, those hopes and dreams and joys are enough to carry you through the adjustments of marriage.

And then life happens. It doesn’t matter if things go along just as you planned or if your plans get derailed early on. The bottom line is that life, no matter how great it is, pushes its way in and you find yourselves stressed out by the present and worried about the future.

With the health issues I’ve been struggling with ~ I had asked Wayne the other day if he’ll always love me and take of care of me no matter what and his answer was probably the most romantic thing he ever said ~ he told me that when he said his vows he gave his word to me and that no matter what, he is a man of his word.

It reminded me of these words:
When I said I do, I meant that I will
Til' the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind, when I said I do
from the song “When I said I do”, that Clint Black and his wife Lisa Hartman Black sing.

And over time, we’ve learned that you don’t get to a place of understanding and compromise easily. You have to fight through your own opinions, habits, and perceptions. You have to learn to be humble and to endure the chaos on the days when your pride is just too big to swallow. You have to risk being wrong. You have to struggle through that uncomfortable period of learning to do things in a new way.

And after twenty-six years of marriage, I understand why. It’s hard work that usually yields the most fulfilling results, and getting through the hard parts of a relationship feels just as good ~ if not better ~ than those first days when everything seemed easy.

Blessings

hold on

when it's quiet on a blog {at least when it's quiet on my blog} there are usually two main reasons;
1. there isn't a whole lot going on in my life to blog about.
2. there's too much going on in my life to blog.

and i've found this to be true with a few other blogs i've been reading lately

but it’s what happens in the quiet times

it’s very hard and i struggle, when it seems that God is silent, not everyday but some days… i can get quite discouraged.

everyone around me {or so it seems} is flourishing while my spiritual life appears dead. i’m left thinking did I offend God? maybe i prayed for something i shouldn’t have. i press in and seek His face and i’m still not hearing Him. sound familiar?

but you know what?
 
i may get discouraged, but i don’t stay discouraged. i continue to seek His face, His Word, His heart and stay faithful in this season of stillness. why?

because i think about how far He’s brought me and not how far i need to go
 
He’s allowing me to grow and develop trust, depth, sensitivity, and character. once this season is over, His promise will breakthrough like sunshine on a gray cloudy day. because He is in charge and is working things out behind closed doors for His purposes. {Jeremiah 29:11}

our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. rather than look at the troubles we can see now; we should fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

and that will give way to new life.

blessings

Mindset

Forgiveness is something I struggle with. I can let the little things go easily enough. It’s those big things that stay with me. The deep wounds, the hurts that stretch into every part of life ~ those are the ones I can’t seem to move past.

Ohhhh, who am I kidding! ~ I really don’t even let the little things go.. .. ..

I’m a pretty black and white person. I value justice. Mercy doesn’t make sense to me. I’m grateful for mercy, and I will extend it to you, but only if you haven’t hurt me very badly. If I’ve been wounded deeply, I expect a balancing of the scales.

Make it up to me, beg for my forgiveness, SHOW ME that you are sorry. Talk is cheap, I need to see your apology for it to count.

I’m learning more and more that unforgiveness is not just a sin, it is a sin of pride. Withholding forgiveness from another because the apology didn’t seem sufficient {or because there wasn’t an apology at all} is based off of a self-centered view of life.

You hurt ME. You need to make it up to ME. If you were really sorry, you’d do whatever you needed to do to make ME feel better about it.

Essentially, when I don’t forgive you, I’m saying that I’m more important than you. Even more, I’m saying that Christ’s forgiving work on the cross is not enough to cover your sin against me.

How incredibly prideful!  

Humility is letting go of my rights so that I am able to extend you mercy. Humility is looking at Christ’s example and following suit. Humility is forgiving, even if you don’t apologize. Because there is One who has already paid the price for your sin against me. Because of His incredible gift, I am able to live in peace with you, without demanding repayment.

Easy to write, and yes so very hard to do!

And so, I have been repeating these verses over and over lately, reminding myself to keep my eyes on the truly Humble One as my example.  “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death ~ even death on a cross!” Philippians 2:5-8

He gives us the strength to forgive. The strength to be humble.

After all.. . .. He did it first.

Blessings