The Fog

I lay down to sleep at night.

And I don’t know what awaits me.

Will it be a restful sleep?

Or will it be minutes ticking away that melt into the next hour?

I wake up in the morning.

Is it going to a day filled with energy ~ to start new beginnings and break off old ways?

Or will the day be one lived in obedience ~ to faithfully get up and surrender to whatever the next hour brings me?

I don’t know what each day will bring.

This is what the journey of faith looks like when you’re traveling through the thick of it.

These are the days of walking through the fog of everyday life trials ~
when change isn’t coming any faster than you’d like it,
when the challenge that’s pressing in on you intensifies.

But, it’s not going away.

You try to ignore it. Try to make yourself stronger so it will pass.

It’s not always talked about, but the faith journey is like walking through a fog. At the beginning of any journey one tends to start out with the most hopeful intentions. 

But then, it happens.

You’re caught between some unexpected changes.

And it dawns on you.

Life is going to be different.
 
For you. Or your family, friend, or child.

Maybe it’s your health, your job, a relationship or a hope deferred.

For me, it’s been a mixture of all four.

The fog can do that. It can suddenly bring thoughts and feelings that you’ve often wanted to just move through. Instead, you find yourself returning to questions and circumstances that settle down around your mind and heart, feeling quite fragmented.

And maybe like me, you begin to wonder…

When will this fog lift?

And how long will God let it stay?

Blessings

we do

i used to think divorce was the worst thing that could happen to me.

now i know that there are worse things: like living a lie, like thinking it’s all my fault for not fixing it, like trying to pretend everything is oh-so-fine. after all we have a “reputation” to protect.

being real hurts. hiding is so much easier - or so it seems while you’re hiding.

living in truth is painful. but it sets you free.

lies bind. truth frees.

i used to think it was my job to fix everything, to make everyone happy, to be a “good wife” ~ whatever that means. i expended outrageous amounts of energy trying not to make mistakes. and even more energy trying to cover up for others’ mistakes.

in the end, hiding wasn’t easier. it was exhausting.

now i understand that my only job is to live openly, vulnerably, courageously - freely making mistakes and freely learning from them.

don’t worry. we are not divorcing.

together, we are stumbling around, living our lives as honestly as we can.

Blessings

Who are you fooling?

If you had Mary Poppins’s measuring tape, what would it say about you?

Much as I’d like to think I was practically perfect in every way, I suspect mine would probably just read “could do better”.

And yet, I persist in attempts at personality makeovers. I’m always on the hunt for something, anything that might make me a better me.

When I was looking for verses about perfectionism, I realized that scripture makes it so clear that being a perfectionist, placing faith in our own abilities or strength, is foolish.

I love that!

I’m thankful for the straightforward truth that reminds me I can’t possibly be perfect, because nobody is perfect.

Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous,
no one who does what is right and never sins.
{Ecclesiastes 7:20}

And as 1 John 1:8 says, if we say we are, we’re just fooling ourselves.

Who do I think I am trying to fool with my “everything’s okay” mask and “I’ve got it under control” attitude? Why do I think people believe it when I act like I never make mistakes? They don’t. Nobody believes that because it’s not true ~ for any of us.

None of us is perfect, but the beauty that comes in spite of that admission is that God loves us anyway. He IS perfect, so we don’t have to be. What freedom! What grace! What relief from the burden of myself. None of us is perfect – not even one, not even me.

While it’s ok to strive for perfection it truly is impossible let alone attainable - we’re not called to be perfect.. .. .... .. ... just obedient.

Who are you fooling?

Blessings

Words

Recently I watched the movie A Thousand Words with Eddie Murphy,

from International Movie Database {IMDB} Jack McCall (Eddie Murphy) is a literary agent who uses his mouth to get various book deals, and isn’t afraid to stretch the truth to get them. While trying to get a book deal from a new-age self-help guru named Dr. Sinja (Cliff Curtis), the Boddhi tree sees through the lies and curses Jack by magically appearing in his backyard with 1000 leaves. Jack was sent a catalogue by Dr. Sinja and demands an explanation also include the Boddhi Tree. Dr. Sinja goes to Jack's house and explains that for every word that Jack says, a leaf will fall off of the tree. When the tree runs out of leaves, the tree will die, along with Jack. In time, he finds that even written words count towards his limit, plus anything that happens to the Tree will also affect Jack. With Jack forced to pick and choose his words, communicating with others becomes difficult and full of misunderstandings. These misunderstandings cost him two book deals, his job, and his wife. Only Jacks assistant Aaron realizes he is telling the truth, and goes to Jacks house to keep track of how many leaves are remaining. With his life falling apart and the tree running out of leaves, Jack goes to Dr. Sinja and asks how to end the curse. The guru tells him to make peace with all of his relationships.

When Sinja offers advice to Jack, it sounds a lot like the sort of thing we'd hear from any competent shrink or pastor: Resolve your past issues. Make amends with the people you love. Show them - don't just tell them - how much they mean to you.

When he's on his last few leaves, Jack decides to use them accordingly … on the people he cares for. In the context of this strange little film, these words become sacrificial acts - ones that march him closer to his own end. But they mean the world to those he gives them to. And there's something to be {ahem} said for that.

Normally I don’t care for his movies since they are usually sexually explicit, vulgar and full of profanities. However this movie was good and it got me to thinking.. …

Words matter.

We all know this, but it's easy to forget. They're free, after all. We worry about running out of gas or cash or patience, but words? Our consonants and vowels are inexhaustible. We spew countless combinations during the course of the day in debates and arguments and joking water cooler chatter and emails and texts.

Many of those words will be forgotten almost as soon as they're uttered or typed. But most of us probably have a handful of conversations locked away in our memories that we'll never forget—conversations that changed our lives. They mean something, and we should never forget their power.

A Thousand Words reminds us of the treasure that is language - the ability words have to build or destroy, to embrace or reject. Talking shouldn't be something we do when our tongues are bored. We should speak when we have something to say.

James 1:19 instructs us to be “quick to listen” and “slow to speak.” Proverbs 29:20 says, “Do you see a someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”

Last words anyone?

Blessings

Stop-sign etiquette

Last Thursday we were without hydro for several hours. Normally that’s not a big deal until you’re in a car heading for home after a long day at work and you’re beyond tired, and you’ve got to get dinner ready, the laundry will need to be folded, but I digress.

As I approached the main normally traffic lighted intersection I started to wonder if the other drivers knew the rules. You know the one where if the lights are out we are to treat this intersection as if it was a 4 way stop.

Do you remember the rules/etiquette of 4-way stops?

As I sat there waiting for what I thought was my turn I noticed this:

1. NO ONE was paying attention when they pull up to the stop sign. Who was there first?

2. Everyone was stopped, no one goes, but then drivers slowly started edging out.
3. Drivers wave people through when it’s not the other drivers turn, it’s the wavers turn! But because they were not paying attention, and don’t know it’s their turn they decide to be polite and nicey nicey and wave the other cars through until they are alone and then they are sure that it is in fact now their turn.
4. Drivers barely stopped and go out of turn.
5. Drivers didn’t stop at all they…well they quite literally run the flippin four-way stop, because everyone is stopped and they are in a hurry so on they go…barely giving the brakes a tap, with the whole “I’m more important people, so don’t move I’m barrelling on through!” attitude.

To be honest, much to my complete and utter embarrassment, I will admit that I have been guilty to almost all of these 4-way stop rules/etiquette at one time or another.

So, after I got home I looked it up and found out that: After a full-stop has been made, vehicles usually have the right-of-way to proceed through the intersection in the order that they arrived at the intersection. If vehicles arrive at approximately the same time, each driver must yield to the drivers on their right.

You would think that by following this simple but obvious rule it should all work out.. .. eventually.

Blessings

4 years old

It's her birthday.....

and we're celebrating!!!

 

No, not with cake or candles or even presents, but we {Wayne & I} are simply reminiscing the past several years with her.  Reminding ourselves that even though she is a dog - she definitely has become like one of the family. 

 

Happy birthday Sasha!!!

 

Blessings

Whatever

I’m going through my day and suddenly an uninvited thought pops into my mind. 

You know what I’m talking about ~ as I’m sure it happens to you too.  At church. In a meeting. While you’re trying to type a blog post.

Suddenly something you never want to think is right there in the middle of your little head. And the more you try not to think about it, the more you do.

Yes, sirree-bob! .... .. ..

It could be a word you don’t usually say, a doubt that has never popped up in before, an unkind observation.

You think, “How could I think this? What is the matter with me?” You wonder if you’re a fraud. What would everyone think if they knew? And God does know, what is He thinking? You whisper a quick prayer for forgiveness and carry on with your day. .. .. .. . …only to have it happen again.

Here’s the good news: you’re human. This happens to all of us. And as long as we’re on this side of eternity it’s going to continue.

Yet, we can choose our response.

I’ve learned those thoughts aren’t me {at least not the real me}. So I don’t need to beat myself up for them or spend time trying to figure out what in the world is the matter with me and now the day is ruined because I just can’t believe what I just thought.

So I decided that I won’t get down on myself and I try to get on with my day ~ with all God has planned. He’s made me who I am and has given all of us all we need to complete His purposes for our lives right now and always.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

Now there’s a welcome thought.

Blessings

You know the type

Have you ever had people come into your life and, even if it's not intentional, make it more difficult?

Maybe they're critical or judgmental; they're excessively needy and demand more than you can give relationally, emotionally or physically; sometimes they take the opposite position of anything you say or do; or they're just plain mean, undermining or cruel with their words.

Sandpaper people

I've called them.. ... ..  .. you know the type, abrasive, irritating or generally rough to be around.

Are you like me and see them as thorns, prickly and inconvenient? Have you shared Paul's lament and prayed for God to remove them from your side? When someone closer to me is particularly trying ~ friends. . .. family. .. .. or even my own children, I've begged God to change them.

Years ago as a younger woman, I was struggling through an emotionally draining, almost soul-defeating season with a ‘friend’; I prayed, earnest and unceasing, and searched the depths of scripture for some sort of of wisdom; and I sought the advice and counsel of many.

But alas, I had to terminate that friendship, as I found it to be to corrosive for my life. Thankfully I’ve learned that there are friends who come and friends, thankfully, who go. It’s also good to remind ourselves that there are reason, season or lifetime friends and only we can determine each relationship.

To everything and every time there is a season.

Blessings

Adjusting

The past several months have been an adjustment and perhaps a little crazy. Good crazy. Bad crazy. Just plain crazy!!!

The upheaval began this past April when I resigned from my job. You can read all about that here.

It was a scary decision, and one I do not regret. I thoroughly enjoyed taking the summer off to rest, refresh and renew. However as the summer came to an end we knew something would need to change.

Ready for more crazy? The really, really good kind of crazy?

In an unreal twist of events I was offered a job and you can read about that here.

I started a couple of weeks ago and I am thrilled if not a little overwhelmed.

Although it is a great opportunity, adjusting to a new job is always a bit of an adventure. I’ve done it before … but this time it’s different. I’ve had a few opportunities to adjust to a new job. Sometimes getting used to my new role and a new set of co-workers was easy. Other times … not so much.

Starting a new job can be both exhilarating and stressful.

Like in my most recent case, I’m hoping my excitement will outweigh any apprehension ~ which by the way, I’ve learned that that it is perfectly normal to feel nervous when embarking on a new adventure.

But this time it feels different.

Could it be that I’ve had too much time off and am not used to actually working? Or maybe it’s my age. {no comments from the peanut gallery}  How about the fact that I’ve been struggling with different health issues - could that be it? Could it be that I’m so seriously under-qualified that I am afraid of letting them down? Or maybe I’ve just lost the self-confidence in my abilities.

Truth be told I am not 100% sure why, I only know that it does.

Maybe I just need to give myself time to adjust to everything.

Blessings

Blessed

With the family home yesterday to celebrate my birthday

everything felt just right!

It's hard to articulate how I was overwhelmed with emotions.  With each of the 'kids' living out on their own, I hadn't realized how much I love it when they are all able to come home at the same time.

We enjoyed a super yum dinner of Roast Turkey, Dressing, Gravy, Roasted Potatoes with Bacon & Cheese, Baked Scalloped Cauliflower, Broccoli & Carrots, Butternut Squash Puff, Green Beans with Sauteed Onions, Coleslaw & Raspberry Jell-O.  oh and for dessert, who could forget the Pumpkin Praline Cheesecake with caramelized pecans on top! thank you - Kryssi!  We spent the rest of the day laughing, chatting, laughing, playing games, laughing, snacking, laughing. hottubbing and did I mentioned we laughed, oh how we laughed!

Then I read this, and I sat at the computer with tears welling up in my eyes.

What did I do to deserve such a wonderful family?

Thank you Gerard, Krystle, {Bentley}, Wayne, {Sasha}, Darcy, Kyle & Teya - it was such a blessing to have each of here to celebrate with me.

Blessings

45

Who really wants to think about getting older?

45, to be exact.

45 is old enough to see how far I’ve come, but young enough to know there is still much ahead {Lord willing}. There have been some tests along the way: tests of faith, tests of courage, and tests of determination. I have had to make choices about my faith…choices to trust the Lord with my whole heart and not just with head knowledge.

As a child I used to think that once you were a grown-up, you were finished growing. Now I can see that the older I get, the more there is to learn. I don’t like tests. I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone. The little girl in me would like to stomp my feet, dig in my heels and not move forward. I like where things are comfortable and predictable.

And yet, if there is one thing that the Lord has taught me is that growth only happens outside of my comfort zone. It has taken me a long time to see this.

With family relationships.

With writing.

With service.

With faith.

With all of the things that make up my life, growth requires me to re-think old patterns, habits and ways of doing things. Growth requires me to take some chances, try some new things and make some choices for how I want to be living my life.

On purpose.

Not out of default, or fears, or old patterns of behaviour.

With heart and hands wide open to the grace of God, knowing that as long as my focus on the Lord, I am safe to reach out.

Happy birthday to me!

Blessings

I've lost my MOJO!

Are you ready to work, serve, or create with passion today?

Or is your passion for what you do gone?

Feeling ...

If you are feeling depleted, overwhelmed, stressed-out, frumpy, tired, bored or lethargic, you may have lost your mojo. Urban Dictionary describes mojo as: N. 1. Self-confidence, Self-assuredness. As in basis for belief in ones self in a situation.

I know that feeling. I've felt burnt out before. Burnt out on working before. Burnt out on house-keeping before. Burnt out on blogging before. It's an awful feeling and a worse way to live.

If you want to fall back into love - with your work, your home, your hobby, your family, your life, or even your walk with God - you have to change your attitude and show up to it differently than you have been.

How can you make your work fun? How can you be cheerful while working? How can you get creative or inventive with your ministry? Or, how much could simply speaking positively about your life begin to retrain your thoughts and feelings about it?

Maybe zeal is something we bring to our work, rather than our work bringing to us. How can you and I approach our work, ministry or life with zeal instead of just waiting for it to hopefully emerge?

Burn out is common, but it's also curable. When you’ve lost your passion mojo, acknowledge that reality, and realize that it’s time make a change about the way you think - after all attitude IS everything!

Blessings

It takes practice

I could make a list of all I am thankful for, but really is that what I want to write about? No, not really. Cause it's easy to make list or several lists and rhyme them off at different intervals throughout your life to give yourself that gentle reminder.  But as I am sitting here.. .. .. . thinking.. .. … I’ve realized that I am not truly living a thankful life. I go about my day to day life doing what I always do without being thankful, I mean truly thankful.

To be honest I’ve come to expect a warm house on these cooler days, a fridge, freezer & even my pantry are full overflowing with food. I’ve got clothes on my back, and money in the bank and if you combine all that, we would likely be in the top something percent of the richest people. Are we, by today’s standards considered wealthy, um no, not likely!

Does that mean I have nothing to be thankful for?

Of course not!

But I think being thankful is more than just saying you’re thankful.

I want to live a life that is thankful.

Too often though I tend to compare my life to those near me, I look at what they have and think if only I had ..{fill in the blank} .. then I could be thankful!

Playing the comparison game forces us to look longingly at all we don’t have instead of all we do have, resulting in a skewed view of perspective. It ultimately leads us into a preoccupation with ourselves. Before we realize it, self-centered attitudes like “Am I good enough?” “Pretty enough?” “Gifted enough?” creep up on us, robbing us of all that’s good in our life. It is here that the enemy snares us to keep us from appreciating all that God has given to us.

Another secret to defeating comparison is simply practicing thankfulness. If we’re to overcome comparison, we need to train ourselves to be thankful. Have you ever noticed how your outlook in life instantly changes when you choose to be thankful? Thankfulness enables us to focus on all we do have in our lives instead of on what somebody else has in their life.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us that we are to “give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” This includes giving thanks for how God has made us. We need to put our false perceptions aside and ask ourselves, “What is the best way ~~ given my gifts, abilities and desires ~~ to fulfill the calling God has given to me?

So, the next time you’re tempted to compare yourself to someone else, remember that God wants to use you in the place of His calling ~ a place that only you can fill.

Blessings

When Life is hard

For the past several months, my life has been . . . complicated. Messy. Full of stuff. And even though a lot of that stuff has been hard and all of it has been challenging, some of it has certainly been good. But all of it put together has felt overwhelming, to say the least.

The least is about all I can say about it, though.

 Because as much as I’d like to, I don’t actually share everything with everyone.

As a blogger, it’s not always easy to figure out what to say, what to share – and what to keep to myself. Sometimes it’s simple; the story isn’t mine – or isn’t only mine – to tell, so I don’t. Other times, the story is still working itself out or one I still don’t understand well enough to put into words on a printed page or screen. But other times, I work out my feelings about an issue by writing, I grow into a stronger person by writing, and I find the ability to let go of things by writing. And it’s just not always easy to figure out what kind of “time” this is.

The problem of not writing through all my feelings and experiences – when they’re not mine to share or they’re too fresh or hard or complicated to put into words just yet – is that even if I’m not writing about something, it’s still there in my heart and my head, taking up a whole lot of thinking and processing and feeling space. And that doesn’t leave a whole lot of space or energy for other blog-appropriate subjects.

In short, it’s hard to write when life gets hard.

See, I’ve got things to say, important {to me} things. But when I sit down to write, all I can think of are the things that I can’t say. And so what comes out is, at best, inconsistent and, at worst, non-existent.

Life is finally starting to calm down a bit, or straighten out a little, or feel a little less overwhelming. Some things have gotten better, while the sting of some things has faded a little over time. And as for the chaos that has moved into my life, I guess I’m just getting used to it. So as we move into the fall {yay! fall!}, I have every intention of writing more, writing deeper, writing better.

Of course, I realize by saying that, I might be tempting fate to throw a catastrophe of some sort my way. And really, no phase of life is without its challenges and even its drama. Perhaps it would be better for me to just learn how to write when life gets hard.

So let’s discuss this. If you’re a writer – of blog posts, of books, of Facebook statuses – how do you balance the private and the public? How do you decide what to share and what to keep quiet? And when you have a lot you’re not sharing, how do you keep writing anyway?

How do you keep writing when life gets hard?

Blessings

Solitude

Loneliness is marked by a sense of isolation. Solitude, on the other hand, is a state of being alone without being lonely and can lead to self-awareness.

I am one of those people that solo time is essential. It helps me to think clearly, breathe calmly, and even give me a sense of contentment. Solitude is a time that I use for reflection, inner searching and/or growth of some kind. Deep reading requires solitude, so does experiencing the beauty of nature.

Each night as the moon comes into view it makes me think. .. .. ..

.. ...  about who I am, what I am doing, where I am headed, and probably the biggest question is why?

Since I’ve starting working {yes, yes I know it’s only part-time- but I must admit I had gotten quite used to having more than enough solo time each and every day} I find that there are days when I need to carve solo-time into my days again.

As the world spins faster and faster - or maybe it just seems that way when an email can travel around the world in fractions of a second - we need a variety of ways to cope with the resulting pressures. We need to maintain some semblance of balance and some sense that we are in control.

We all need periods of solitude, although temperamentally we probably differ in the amount of solitude we need. Some solitude is essential; it gives us time to explore and know ourselves. It gives us a chance to regain perspective. Solitude can renew us for the challenges of life; rather than having them run by schedules and demands from others. It can help restore the body and the mind.

Blessings

Comparisons

My name is Anita and I struggle with comparing myself to others.

It feels like such an embarrassing admission – the rabbit hole of comparing yourself to other people. It feels like something better whispered in the ear of a good friend than admitted out loud. But today I think I need to sit at this desk in the corner of a {not-so-messy-as-usual} kitchen and pull you aside and ask you, “How can we be in this together instead of competing at this?”

Comparison will rob you blind, smash in your self-image, trash your house and tar and feather your kids.

It takes what is beautiful and tears it up into tiny bits like so many shredded pieces of paper.

Comparison will eat at the heart of everything you love the most.

Love to write?
Comparison will whisper it’s pointless when nobody reads your blog anyway.
Love to make crafts?
Comparison will tell you that without a gallery, a show, an esty shop you’re a fake.
Love to cook?
Comparison will tell you that your pots and pans would shame Julia Childs and desecrate her recipes.
Love to grow a business, build a brand, market your mojo?
Comparison will tell you that you should have done it differently, done it like her, done it years ago to be any success at all.

Nothing is as terrifying as thinking you don’t matter because you can’t do it like her.

But if we were to look down, look away from what we wish we had. If we would glance back at where we are, we might see we've been standing with high heels ground down on top of the hand painted, one-of-a-kind life art crafted for us.

For you.

For me.

We are each of us uniques.

A fingerprint swirl of utterly and totally incomparable. You are.

I’m writing this because I need to remember. Because when I forget and compare, parts of me wilt and fear takes bites out of my dreams.

I need to remember who I am. Just me.

I can never capture all of it on this blog. I can only show you glimpses. Don’t waste even a moment of your own beautiful life comparing it to mine. And I’ll promise to return the favour.

Rejoice.

Let’s choose to rejoice with one another.

Let’s not trample what we’ve been given in order to get to what we wish we’d got.

No girls, let’s dance. Right where we’re at.

Blessings