Only for a time

I signed up to lead our church’s kitchen ministry team…. It was something I’ve wanted to do since we started attending, and yet after only 8 months in, I was seriously starting question my sanity. 

Why in the world did I sign up this? What was I possibly thinking? How in the world did I think I pull this off? 

This was something I was “sure” that God was calling me to. It wove my particular gifts together in way that I knew this would be it one of the most satisfying ministry times in my life. 

Over the past few months, I’ve been learning that just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should, and yet, I thought this was something I was supposed to do. And here is where I struggle, What if? no-one else will sign up. What if? I am the only one who can do this. What if? this ministry falls apart. 

I was sure I could muster up enough strength to continue... and yet, at the very thought of having to muster up the strength, made me bone tired. Which if we’re being completely honest, was my biggest problem. I was tired. On every level. 

After much prayer and soul searching, I was more certain than ever that I was supposed to let this go. But oh, how I hesitated to tell our Pastor. Not because he wouldn't understand... quite the contrary, because deep down I felt like I was a failure. 

By the end though, I was barely keeping the tight anxiety in my chest at bay, I knew this was the right thing for me. So I stepped down. And as hard as it was, it was right. With the limitations I have and the struggles I face daily this was not something I could continue. 

And you know, it’s running perfectly fine without me… Perfectly fine! 

My ego was bruised. Because deep down and quite secretly I was hoping that without me it would fall apart {<< did I say that outloud?} And I railed against God, I cried, pouted, complained, ranted and argued ~ and like any other rational person I gave Him a good tongue-lashing. I thought I was needed? Why did You place me there? How could You do this me? What was the purpose through it? Where am I supposed serve now? 

After a while, I figured out the whole thing wasn't about me. It's about being obedient. It wasn’t that He didn’t want or need me in this work, He let me serve for the time He designated.

And quite simply, the season for me right now, is rest….

Take Care