ctrl+delete

i find it hard to bare my heart, my soul, out loud.

this is a constant point of contention as i like to think that i am good with words and often end up thinking that that should translate to the spoken word.

however, it does not.

my fingers do most of the work. sometimes, there’s a lot of deleting involved. ctrl+delete is my favorite short cut.

there is however, no delete in speaking.

what’s said is said and cannot be undone.

it’s final.

typing can always be undone. it can always be edited, adapted, changed, transformed. older editions are forgotten, and the new is cemented in the mind of the readers, or forgotten along with the old.

my preference is to type, to think through my fingers, the keyboard, the screen. i need this mechanism to fully understand me, this is how i operate. how i function. how i process.

conversation does not come easy for me ~ especially when the heart is at the center of it. my mouth gets in the way. my emotions sneak into the conversation and i say things i don’t mean or things that shouldn’t be said, or that i thought i meant but i don’t mean and i need to take them back, but i can’t because they were said and now they’re out there and their damage is done for better or for worse and i am stuck, wide-eyed, holding the ball, waiting to get sacked.

ultimately it's up to me to see to control what is said, because then there would be no need to delete.

blessings