Publish

Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming to this empty space and pouring out my heart with my imperfect words. I wonder because the process can be so painful. The writing at times is hard, but what happens after I press “publish”  can be mentally exhausting. The after moments that come as a result of pressing that button are too often the same.

First, there is a pleasant burst of confidence that this is the one post I finally got right. My words seemed to flow and the message is clear.

Then, my unbelieving heart moves to questioning every word written.

It's in those after moments where I find myself saying, I will never be good enough at this writing thing ~ everyone else does it so much better. Comparison has successfully stolen any sense of joy.

It's in those after moments where I wonder why I ever started. After all, this wasn’t a life-long dream of mine.

It's in those after moments where I once again say it's time to call it quits! .. . ...

But then, someone comes along after I've pressed “publish”  and leaves some words of encouragement and lifts my spirits. I almost allow my worth to be found in their one little comment. Time ticks away and a few more comments are left, and each one gives glory to our amazing God. I'm reminded that my worth isn't found in their comments, but in Him.

It certainly isn't easy being vulnerable. For many of us, being vulnerable is the complete opposite of how we were raised. Stuff your emotions and move on was more of the norm.

While these after moments can be painful, I'm always led to the moment of remembering I write because every time I find him. I write with the hopes that after I press “publish”  that maybe, just maybe I will help someone else find Him.

Blessings

a different kind of anniversay

i had the perfect job - i wrote quite a bit about here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and.. . .. . told you it was quite a bit.

i LOVED working for my former church. i loved being “on the inside,” on the team, working side by side with the most amazing people i’ve met doing work that, at the end of the day, helped people find their way back to God.

i can’t say it enough: I LOVED WORKING FOR THE CHURCH.

almost a year ago {tomorrow}, i packed up my desk and left for the last time as an employee. as i headed out the door for the final time. i tried to play it cool, i simply said, “bye!” thinking to myself “wow, this is it!” and, to no surprise, i promptly burst into tears.

wayne and i had also made the difficult choice to leave our church home of 26 years. we’d been hurt badly and we’d been disappointed deeply. we landed at our new church sceptical and barely willing to hope.

almost immediately, we realized that we had found our place. Emmanuel Baptist Church is the kind of church we’d dreamed of and longed for, and we genuinely liked every new person we met there. week after week of worship services and small group meetings led to messages and relationships that healed us in ways we hadn’t dared think possible.

the choice to leave was not easy, it was one we took a year to decide. even though we felt we knew what some of the repercussions would be; we were still shocked when some people that used to wave to us, now don't, and some who would say hi in the grocery store and now won't; it seems that since we don’t attend the same church we can no longer be friends. yikes! with friends like that, who needs enemies. .. .. .. it’s beyond hurtful ~ and yet, we wouldn’t change our decision for anything. we knew it was the right choice even though it was hard.

sometimes the right choice doesn’t feel good. have you ever had that happen? have you ever made the right choice even though it was hard or didn’t feel good?

blessings

You are

Those all too familiar words, I'm not good enough, kept playing over and over again in my mind. My heart knows this is not true, but it was a day where I felt the weight of those words.

You see, I've always wanted to be perfect at something. ... .. anything. I just want one thing. Give me that one thing Lord and I will use it to glorify you.

Here I am. It's Thursday, and as I sit here I can't help but find myself asking again is here really where you want me, God?

I keep waiting for his response.

Every time I find myself questioning if here is where He has called me to be, I'm reminded of these words said by Paul, from Colossians 3:23 {New Living Translation {NLT}} “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people”.

As I anxiously await my next season of life; I feel frozen in indecision in wanting to know certainty before stepping out. I want my decisions to always be perfect and right. Frozen in wanting perfection and control. But, {and here’s the thing} I don’t have to be in control, I can give my fears over to the Lord He will guide my path, He doesn’t care if I end up making the “wrong” choice. As long as I am resting in Him, no decision will be wrong.

So, I’m not going to wait for everything to be perfect. I’m not going to wait for me to be perfect, to look a certain way, to have a certain education, to own a certain item, to be a certain age, weight, status.. .. . …

Now is the time, the time to live, the time to be, the time to experience, all that God has planned for me ~ all that I am meant to be, here.

Blessings

Joy in the everyday

“You're never happy.” Those are the words said to me by my husband. And I will be honest, the words hurt. However, those words probably hurt because I knew there was truth to them. While the word “never” is a bit extreme, when I'm honest with how I've responded in recent situations, I can appreciate why my husband would make such a statement.

But those words have pierced my heart. Maybe God needed me to hear those words. Not in an attempt to be hurtful {that is not God}, but to draw me closer to Him..

As another week begins, I need to be reminded that the other people in the grocery store who seem to have their act together that they, too, have their own insecurities. When my washing machine goes on the fritz, or the painted floor has gotten scratched, again, remember that new and shiny doesn’t equal happy.

It’s tempting to wish my house was little bit newer, or a little bigger, or maybe in town, but I need to remember that our home, no matter that it’s a century farmhouse in the country, is a gift. All things in our lives are gifts.

And yet, sometime life doesn’t go the way we want ~ the corn-stove has broken down again, my health issues can make our lives difficult, the bathroom is sitting in mid-reno’s for almost a year ~ that it’s okay to cry. And be frustrated. And not understand.

But let’s remember, too, that there is always, ALWAYS something to be grateful for.

So, let's take a piece of paper and a pen, and scribble down one thing for which you’re grateful. And then two. And then maybe three. Display it somewhere obvious today. And be reminded.

In Romans 15:13 {NLT {New Living Transaltion}} Paul says “I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Find your joy in the everyday!

Blessings

Spring Cleaning

I just don’t understand.  I wait and I wait. I leave food out. I even ask nicely. And still, the cleaning fairies don’t come to my house.

They don’t visit. They don’t call. And they certainly don’t wash the sink full of dishes or even fold my laundry.

It doesn’t make sense. I’ve seen those commercials ~ the ones with the bubbles?

The bubbles that talk AND CLEAN YOUR BATHTUB WHILE YOU’RE GONE? It turns out those animated bubbles aren’t real. Yeah. I know. The shock, it is unbearable.

I’ve tried some fancy cleaning products. You know what happens when I spray my bathtub and walk away? White streaks appear in my otherwise Not White tub. Granted, the bathroom briefly smells lovely, but my porcelain {and plastic} is certainly not sparkling.

So, in case you’re just now joining us, my house is being visited by neither cleaning fairies nor magical cartoon bubbles. And since that leaves the cleaning business to me, my house is kind of um, well. .. ...  . filthy.

Not messy. At least, not always. I can usually keep the clutter at least tamed, if not permanently eliminated. But actual cleaning? The kind that requires spray bottles, sponges, rags and brooms? Yeahhhh, I hate it. And so I haven’t been doing it.

Last fall, I thought I had a solution. I decided to go back to work, hoping to encourage the hubs to step up to the plate and start helping a little more around the house with the household chores.

Needless to say he would try and while he kept most of the dust bunnies at bay ~ they continued to multiply and ultimately ended up creating more work for me.

Unfortunately, men, or maybe it’s only my husband doesn’t seem to have the same sense of what ‘clean is’ that I do ~ he just didn’t clean my house the way I wanted. Which is ironic ~ considering I’M not cleaning my house the way I want, either.

So, now I’m back to cleaning my own house {er, not cleaning it.. . .. }.

Blessings

Changes

I can change things about me
about how I interact
about how I process
about how I re-act

 

But if I am going to make any changes
I have to do it for me
because I want to

not for you

not because
you think I should

not because
you think
life would be
easier, better, happier
for me
{or maybe just you}

That’s your opinion
and unless I agree
and decide to make changes FOR me…

 

neither one of us will like me very much.

 

Blessings

Have you considered?

This was being shared a while ago and I thought it was something we all should consider.

What God will and won't ask:
God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, but he will ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.
God won’t ask the square footage of your house, but he will ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
God won’t ask about the fancy clothes you had in your closet, but he will ask how many of those clothes helped the needy.
God won’t ask about your social status, but he will ask what kind of class you displayed.
God won’t ask how many material possessions you had, but he will ask if they dictated your life.
God won’t ask what your highest salary was, but he will ask if you compromised your character to obtain that salary.
God won’t ask how much overtime you worked, but he will ask if you worked overtime for your family and loved ones.
God won’t ask how many promotions you received, but he will ask how you promoted others.
God won’t ask what your job title was, but he will ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.
God won’t ask what you did to help yourself, but he will ask what you did to help others.
God won’t ask how many friends you had, but he will ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.
God won’t ask what you did to protect your rights, but he will ask what you did to protect the rights of others.
God won’t ask in what neighbourhood you lived, but he will ask how you treated your neighbour.
God won’t ask about the color of your skin, but he will ask about the content of your character.
God won’t ask how many times your deeds matched your words, but he will ask how many times they didn’t.
by Anonymous

Blessings